IDK how long this post will be, since I've got many things running through my head. I have survivor (the band not that shitty song) playing if that says anything to anyone. you may want to pop sime pop corn and get a soda. hehe. okay, to the post

I'm tired, mentally, physically, and emotionally.  Its been a long couple of weeks and with graduation coming up its invoked some thought. like I siad, this could be long. I've had tons of thoughts go through my head the last 3 weeks or so, most I've ignored untill the 3rd or 4th time I've thought them, then been anilized. as far as relationships go.......I've had some real assholes for bf's. Starting with my first bf, the one my parents allowed me to have, and since some of you know and adore this man I won't mention his name. he was the one I first kissed. well sorta, he was the one that shoved me up aginst a counter and made me kiss him. I'm really glad we broke up, but for a long time, it left a void and I didn't know why. I didn't figure it out untill now. he left a viod, because I thought that I needed a guy to make me happy, and that you backed your man up no matter what. thats how I was raised, through harlan, yelling at me, making me feel horriable, my mom stuck by him, and she still does. I still hate him. and hate her for it. They fucked up my view of relationships for ever. for years, every relationship I had was abusive in one way or anoyher. from people who made me lose friends becasue I couldn't hang with anyone unless he was there, to the ones that hit me. I'd go to the acemblies about dating violence or what ever, but didn't let it sink in. knowing it would only hurt me in the end. wen I broke up with my last bf I didn't date for a year and a half. then  I met chris. he treated me with such respect. actually showed he loved me, but I still refused to get involved. this contuned for about 6 months. then I met Draven on jr prom night, and his energy just connected with mine. we were friends from then on, I'd go to see him, shoving chris away, partly becasue I was afraid to fall any more in love with him, afraid to fall into another relationship like I'd had before. I feel in love with Dranve. head over heals, anbd I have no Idea why. I've never figured out in the almost 6 months I've been with him, why we were so compatable, when we're so differant. well Draven moved to nashville, which broke my heart. I cried for 2 days off and on. there was one night when I was really down, I had already cut a lot, and I was talking to lynn, who had been e-mailing draven at work. she told him what was going on, and he called me that night. he's called me almost every night since. e's taught me a lot, about life, about how to look at things, about relationships. well I finally decided to tell him I liked him, I mean after all he was in nashville, no need to fear the rejection, I'd felt from so many of "the good ones" he was shocked. we had talkied a bit before he left, and putting up my defences, told him I thought of him as a big brother. so yeah, he was surprised when I told him, I'd fallen in love with him. every time I heard his voice, or saw his face, I melted, and knew no matter what, things would be okay. we started dating, and deciding to try poly, I asked chris as well. chris has been my constent through all of this, well had I suppose. he moved to SC a few moths ago, again, breaking my heart. having both men I loved live hours away was really hard on me. when Draven came up for prom, I was really nervous, I mean hell hadn't seen my bf inalmost 8 months. I was really excited, ask anyone who knew about it. it was magickal. I had the perfect night, that I never knew was possiable. I had found a man, that I could trust with anything. that I know would treat me, like I'd found out I deserved to be treated. and honestly, it was hard for me not to run. part of me, was like, its too much, your getting too close. but It was okay, for once I wasn't scared shitless of a relationship. and that leads up to now. he'll be up for graduation, which I'm super amped about. getting to see him twice in less than a month just makes all the stress of everything fade away. I can see a long term relationship out of this, which will prob suprise most you you. as I said before, if he were to ever ask, in the back of my mind......lol....just realized he's going to be reading this and he's gonna be like huh? lol. love ya honey. but I mean, IDK if its having a guy I can trust and love, and not have to worry about being someone I'm not, or the love, or IDK what it is that makes me see this relationship and so much strong than any other I've ever had. I know that should this end, tere will be others. but I think this relationshiop will stick out among the others. the first time I ever knew what love really ment. knowing that you  feel so strongly about a person that you would do anything to see them smile, to know that they're happy. not at all where I started out intending to go with this post, but my fingers are getting tired, think I'll stop for now, finish the rest later. lol. love y'all oddles

~K~

this new energy is really messing with my emotions. part of me knows I will eventually adapt, but anoter part of me is like get things straight, emotions are weakness. I read a very intresting statment from a friend yesterday. emotions are weakness, but they let people in. we all need peole we can cry to. my emotions are so much more extreme now, but I react differantly. most of you know that I don't usually respond well to any emotion, from anyone. I laugh at most while they cry, simply because I'm used to not showing emotions. I had a dream last night....one tats very odd. I dreamed I called a man.....my father.......whom I've never met, talked to, or even seen a picture of. I called him crying about something. he drove from where ever he was, never saying a word, just came and held me. I've never drempt of my fater before,to my knowledge. it was a good dream, but I woke up and just cried. wanting to be held in real life, with no one to turn to.and I realized I don't care what the heck happens to my father. I just need a father figure in my life. I've been searching for someone to tell me what a real man is like. not my father, my father is a boy not a man. not my stepdad, but a bf, just someone who will teach me about wat real men are. I'm so tried of settiling for second best. Draven's not second best at any rate. he's exactly what I've wanted out of a relationship. but god is a fucking father figure so much to ask. I've called one man daddy and ment it. and then he died. I got a father for 3 monts, tehn he was gone, no chance for me to actually learn anything, no chance to really get to know the guy tat had made my mother appy as a best friend for 8 years. IDK maybe this new energy is justy affecting me. because we all know its too late for a fatherly influance. I'm too set in my ways now. if i cahnge its beacsue its best for me. I'm one lowering my self to others, I need to focus on me. I'm tired of being this wall for everyone to lean on, thats slowly falling down. anyone got anything to say to all this.......if you even understood it

ah the fimilar feeling of coming down off teh emotional high. the mix of emotions. I was wondering when it would hit. didn't have to wait long. theres a new energy in me. I'm working one identifying it. not going to be easy, since its is affecting more than one emotion. more than one kind even. this is attatched to oth the posssitvie and the negative. it doesn't matter how I feel, the new energy is there. so is it negative or possitive? is there suchn an energy that can be at peace with both parts of being? oh this reminds me of a good vent I ned to get off my chest.

I'm sick and tired of watcing people catorgize people at good or bad. okay,we ave both kinds of energy in us, the good not necaraly good, the bad not totaly bad. there must always be ballence. there could be no light with out darkness, ying with out yang, etc. I call for people to enbrace both energies. not that anyone will listen to me.

back to the above topic. could it be that I am just more in tune with everything. that the medatations are allowing my mind to open up more and feel more energy. that could be. more meditation, I belive will be required to answer this question.